Petra's Struggle
by Goth Albino Angel
Summary: Ender left to save a cocoon. Petra was left with the guilt and heartbreak of his departure. Now, we see how Petra deals with being unable to see her love until he returns. Her self doubt, her pain, her anger... the inside of Petra's heart is revealed. Ender/Petra. Based heavily off the movie.
1. Chapter 1

**_Alright, so I am definitely obsessed with Ender's Game, most specifically, I am obsessed with Petra Arkanian. She is beautiful and intelligent and man I hate how the book portrays her (and any of the other kids for that matter). So, I've decided to explore how the others, mainly Petra, cope with Ender's departure at the end of the movie. _**

**_Before you read, there are a few things I do need to tell you. Yes, I have changed a few things (even though most of it could still be considered canon according to what the movie did show). No, I don't care if you don't like the changes. Yes, I have explored Petra in the form of a traumatized girl. No, I don't care if you think I'm making her appear too soft._**

**_Now, by all means… enjoy the chapter._**

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**_Petra's POV_**

An entire species. I helped to destroy an entire species. And what if there were others on that planet too? I helped to annihilate them as well. I turned to Ender in shock, the weight of Graff's words not quite hitting me yet. His blue eyes stared back at me, the shock reflected in the bright blue orbs. As Ender turned and strode from the room, I looked once more at the ruined planet, the smoldering remains of a civilization. And I had shot it. One blow had annihilated the entire thing.

I lowered my head, hearing Ender scream at Graff in outrage. My heart was pounding in my ears, I could feel it against my ribcage. The other boys in the army probably reflected how I was feeling. I moved to stand in the doorway as I watched Ender argue with Colonel Graff. He looked heartbroken. I moved forward with the other Dragons behind me, watching Ender get sedated.

Staying with him as he dreamed, my eyes traveled his face. It was serene, calm. I felt a set of tears come to my eyes at the knowledge that he will only ever look like this in his sleep again. After this battle, none of us would be able to look this… weightless ever again. The impact of the Formics' destruction will affect all of us.

I was lost in thought, replaying the battle over and over again in my head when Ender suddenly mumbled in his sleep. "Valentine?" I wondered whether he was dreaming about his sister. He told me about her a few times, but not much. I was contemplating whether to wake him or not when he shot up in bed and leaped away, running for the exit.

I rolled my eyes at his sudden stupidity and grabbed two air packs, running after him and ordering him to breathe. "Go back, Petra." He ordered me.

"No." I couldn't let him do this alone. I refused to.

"Go back. I have to do this alone." He turned and strode toward the castle. I watched him go, wondering if he was truly serious about going alone. Whether he was serious or not, I wasn't leaving this spot until he returned and if that took more than half an hour, I was following after him.

When Ender returned from inside the strange castle ruins, I stood from where I had sat down to wait. He was carrying a bundle with him, wrapped in a blanket and I gave him a confused look. He shook his head at me and we returned to the base in silence. I was about to break away from him and head to my own quarters, when Ender touched my shoulder and motioned for me to follow him.

Once in the safety of his room, he slowly unwrapped part of the bundle and showed me what was inside. It took me a few moments, but when I realized what was inside of the blanket, I nearly burst into tears with happiness. We hadn't killed them all. There was still a queen left from the Formics.

I glanced up at Ender and noticed the stormy look in his eyes, my smile falling. "How will we take care of her?" I asked quietly.

"I'm not sure yet." He replied softly. "But I'm going to make sure she stays safe."

I nodded and returned to the temporary bunk room to find the other boys already sleeping. I shook my head, knowing I wasn't getting much sleep tonight. Still, I slipped into my bed and drifted off, thankful for a reprieve from the real world for a few short hours.

Once we all had a debriefing of the battle, to which none of us said a word, we all returned to the main Fleet ship almost immediately. The majority of us were led to the bunk room for Dragon Army, but Ender turned and moved to his own room, taking the concealed egg with him.

"Awarding ceremony in two hours!" Sergeant Dap called to all of us, his voice not as rough or loud as it usually is.

"Yes sir." I replied along with the others, sitting on my bunk with a sigh. The boys moved around me, getting themselves reacquainted with the room and their old surroundings. I didn't bother getting reacquainted. My bed had been near the front to begin with so I figured I might as well simply stare at the wall.

Laying back on the bed, I closed my eyes to try to get some quick rest before the award ceremony. However, as soon as they closed, my eyes flew back open. I couldn't close them. Every time I closed my eyes, the smoldering planet presented itself vividly to my sight. And not just that, but images that I didn't see. Formics, all ages and sizes, being torn to pieces thanks to the blast the MD had let off. Their burning faces rushed at me in the darkness of my own eyelids and I couldn't take it.

Sighing again, I stood and made my way out into the hall, walking alone for a bit to try clearing my head. I arrived at the infirmary, noting that it was the first place I had tried to show Ender true comfort. Before then, it was friendly comfort over being picked on and beat up. But here… after Bonzo's attack on him… I had wanted to cradle and hold him, to make him feel better.

Fighting the tears that threatened to come to my eyes, I refused to let them fall as I made my way back to the bunk room. I avoided the eyes of the boys, knowing they would be curious as to what I had been doing. I didn't feel like answering their questions. Lying on my bed, I stared up at the bunk above me and waited until ten minutes before the ceremony. Ender walked in and called out to all of us. We all stood at attention, facing him expectantly. He stared at us, saying nothing with his mouth, but everything with his eyes. We were his five leaders, the only five people in all the world who knew how it felt to be him, who could relate to him and empathize with him. Turning, he motioned for us to follow him.

Walking through the corridor quietly, we arrived to the largest classroom on the ship. Here, there were several thousand cameras aimed at us, Dragon Army, the defeaters of the Formics. Ender held up five fingers and pointed forward before waving with his other hand. It was a clear signal: the five leaders follow me and the rest of you sit somewhere. Dink, Bernard, Alai, Bean and I followed close behind Ender as cheers and applause from the entire ship, the whole Fleet. As I stepped onstage and saw their cheerful faces, I felt sick to my stomach. Dink moved slightly behind me and put a hand on my back so that no one could see.

We all stood on the stage, facing the crowd of cheering people. All of the soldiers were happy for us. Happy that we had killed, destroyed, annihilated. But they didn't know that. They just knew we had saved them. But they didn't need to be saved. I tried to keep my face composed for the cameras as Colonel Graff, Mazer Rackham and Sergeant Dap began walking forward.

Dap was in charge of holding the awards while Rackham put them on us and Graff did the announcement. When they stepped onstage, the crowd grew quiet and Graff began speaking. "Today is a great day in history for earth. The impending threat of a Formic attack has been stopped in its tracks by the six people standing on this stage. Thanks to the commander and five segment leaders of Dragon Army, the Formics have now been defeated permanently. Today, the International Fleet would like to recognize these six brave young soldiers and reward them for their services to their planet."

They walked to Bernard, who was at the end of the line, next to Bean and Alai. "To Bernard, we award Honorary Soldier, Second Class, for his outstanding work in the second Formic Battle." Bernard allowed the pin to be put on his uniform. Once Dap had moved on, Bernard stared down at it in disgust for a few seconds before composing his face.

The trio moved on to Alai, who was next. "To Alai, we also award Honorary Soldier Second Class for his cool headed thinking under the stress of the second Formic Battle." Alai nodded to them and once Dap moved on, he turned his head away from the cameras to conceal his disgust. Well, he was still slightly more subtle than Bernard.

After Alai came Bean. He was still the shortest of all of us, but he seemed to be the one standing the tallest, holding all our weight on his shoulders to support us, to seem strong for us. "To Bean, we give him Honorary Soldier First Class for improvisational attacks and keeping steady control of his command ships during the second Formic Battle." Bean nodded, keeping himself in check, but I could see it in his eyes. He didn't want that award any more than the rest of us.

Then it was time for Dink. "To Dink Meeker, we give the Honorary Soldier First Class for staying calm in the face of battle and keeping control of his command ships when ordered to make the drones abandon them for the greater cause." Dink glared at Graff and Mazer, nodding his head respectfully to Dap.

Now it was my turn. What award would I get and why? Am I getting first class because of my impeccable shooting ability? For being the one to shoot the ending fire? For being the only girl?

"To Petra Arkanian, we give the award for Honor, Bravery, Strength and Skill First Class for her precision and tactics when handling the largest gun the military has ever known, her ability to aim carefully in order to shoot the ending fire in the second Formic Battle and her ability to keep herself under control knowing that she was the very one who wiped out the enemy. She shall receive the medallion, command of whichever Army she wishes, her choice of soldiers and her own miniature version of the MD500."

The medal was put on my neck and I felt faint. They were wrong. I'm not under control, not on the inside. I'm a mess inside because of what they've done to me, what they've made me do. I kept my head bowed after the medal was placed on me, unable to look up at the cameras. I felt them move on to Ender and I slowly lifted my head a little to watch him receive his poison.

"We are proud to award the rank of admiral and commander of the entire fleet to Ender Wiggin." Applause rang throughout the room, hundreds of people cheering for the award. Dink, Bernard, Alai, Bean and I simply stood by his side. We didn't clap because we knew Ender would not want us to. Bernard and Dink glared at Graff, Alai and Bean glared at Rackham, I watched Ender closely. I noticed that he simply kept a straight face, even when Graff shook his hand and gave him the badge.

When the ceremony was over with, Graff tried to talk all of us into doing a battle against Rat Army, but we all simply glared at him and turned to Ender. He shook his head and walked off. Graff nodded and turned for his office. The others continued on to the dormitory. I stood there for a moment, watching Ender walk into his room.

I was about to leave when he walked back out seconds later with a bundle in his arms. He began walking quickly in the direction of the deployment ships. "Ender?" I called, but he didn't turn and continued walking, turning the corner and disappearing from sight.

I felt my heart seize as a bad feeling entered my stomach. Running after him, I found him setting up a ship to launch. He couldn't be doing this. Please don't let him be doing this. "Ender!" I shouted after him, running after him and skidding to a stop in front of the ship he was deploying. "Ender!"

"Petra." I saw the decision in his eyes as he turned to me. He was leaving. He was leaving us, leaving me.

"Ender-." He handed me something before I could get any further. Glancing down at my hand, I found the commander's badge for Dragon Army in my grasp. "What…"

"You're in command of Dragon Army now." Ender told me softly. "I'm giving you my ranks."

"Why?" I looked up at him in confusion and felt my heart tighten at the resolve in his eyes.

"I have something important I need to do and it's going to be a while before I return."

No. No, he couldn't do this to me. "Ender, please don't go."

"I have to Petra." He sighed. "I have a promise to keep."

"But will you be back?" I asked hopefully.

Ender shook his head. "I don't know. I don't know if I want to come back to this. What would be my reason for coming back to something like this, where I'm manipulated and lied to? Where I'm used like a ragdoll to-?"

I don't know what came over me. I was either very desperate for him to come back to me or I was running low on emotional control thanks to that battle, but I needed him to know. I threw my arms around his shoulders and pressed a kiss to his lips, leaning myself against him and relishing in the feel of his lips against mine. After all, I needed to make it last in case this was the last kiss I ever got from him.

Finally, I pulled away and looked up at him, fresh tears in my eyes. "Come back for me." I ordered, my voice low in case it cracked.

"Petra," Ender took my chin in his hand and wiped away the tears. "I promise to return, not just for Valentine, but for you too. But by then, you could have moved on…"

"I don't care how long it takes." I whispered. "I'll save myself for you."

Ender nodded and moved into the shuttle, taking the queen egg with him. I watched the small ship fly off into space and felt my heart break.

He was gone.

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**_The whole thought of Petra being in love with Ender came from my best friend. Honestly, if I had my way, you guys know that she would be with someone else. Now, go ahead and review. By the way, I have no knowledge of the military so don't flame me for the way the awarding ceremony was portrayed. _**


	2. Chapter 2

**_Alright, I forgot, so let me do this.  
_**

**_I don't own Ender's Game._**

**_That said, here's the next chapter. I finished it about the same time I finished the first one, but I thought that was letting you guys read it too fast. Well, now I'm paranoid, so go ahead and read it now, kay?  
_**

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_**Petra's POV**_

I turned from the deployment deck and began my trek back to the bunk room for Dragon Army.I sighed at the knowledge that I would have to tell the boys that Ender was... that he left. Heading through the hallways of the ship, I strode in the direction of the Dragon Army dorms.

Nearly to the Dragon bunk room, I stopped to examine a scent in the air. It smelled like smoke, but the fire alarm hadn't sounded which meant that it wasn't an actual fire. But if it wasn't a fire, what could be burning. Shaking my head to clear it, I took a deep breath and continued to the dorm clearing my throat as I entered.

All of the boys turned to stare at me as I came in. I discovered what the source of the smoke in the air was. Bernard and Bean were both holding lighters and on the floor of the room, there was a smoldering pile. They must have been burning the badges they received.

"Yours too?" Bean asked.

I nodded to him and removed my medal, starting to hand it over. Then, I paused and stared at it. It was the only thing I had left from Ender. Aside from the memories of our training and free time hangouts, this medal was all I had to remember him by. As vile as the thing it represented was, it also represented our time together and I couldn't give that up. Sighing, I returned it to my neck and tucked it under my jacket, shaking my head.

Bernard glared at me with hatred. He probably thought I enjoyed having the medal, enjoyed having a heavier weight on my shoulders and around my neck. My weight was bigger than his. I'm the one who shot the MD, so I _do_ have a heavier weight than he does. Alai and Bean shrugged and turned to watch the badges continue smoldering. Dink stared at me in suspicious confusion but I simply shook my head, remembering the badge in my hand at that moment. Taking a deep breath, I moved into the center of their little circle and glanced around at them all.

"Looks like I'm commander now." I said quietly, showing them the commander's badge.

"Where's Ender?" Bean asked, worry filling his eyes.

"He… he left." I kept my head low so they couldn't see the tears, but I felt three hands on my shoulders. I glanced up to see Dink, Bean and Alai giving me sad looks and I simply shook my head. I knew they knew about my feelings for Ender. As often as I woke up sweating in bed and calling out his name during our training to fly the ships, it's almost a wonder they haven't spoken to me about it.

"Is he going to come back?" Alai inquired gently.

"I don't know." I could feel energy building in my throat and I refused to let them see me vulnerable. I needed to find a place to scream in peace.

As if he were reading my mind—or my body language—Dink took his hand off my shoulder and said, "You should head to the commander's exercise room. They have punching bags and lifting weights for the commanders to use in their off time. All ya gotta do is hold up the badge and let the computer scan your eye. It should automatically read Ender's fingerprints and know that he passed the candle to you."

"Thank you, Dink." I nodded to them all and turned on my heel, striding from the bunk room.

_**Bean's POV**_

"So, Ender's gone?" Alai murmured, looking around at all of us. I nodded my head, my mind working through the different reasons Ender would be gone and why he wouldn't be back for a while.

"Do you think he quit after that stunt Rackham and Graff pulled?" Dink wondered aloud.

"No." I replied, raising my head to gaze at them all. "He wouldn't do that to us, to Petra. He's up to something. He's got some sort of plan to go against the colonel, but because of the importance of secrecy, he may have had to leave quickly."

"But what could he be up to?" Bernard sighed, finally speaking up. The news had even managed to hit him hard. He was usually impenetrable, even toward Ender, but after finding out that we all just killed countless men and women as well as an entire alien planet, even he couldn't just shrug that off.

"I don't know." I responded with a shake of my head. "But whatever it is, we need to make sure to keep Petra stable for him. We can't have her broken and in pieces when he comes back."

"That's why I told her to go to the commanders' training center." Dink told me. "She looked like she was going to break down and I knew she wouldn't want to do that in front of us. The training center is soundproof so if she decides to scream her lungs out, she can do it without anyone else hearing."

"But they'll be able to see it." Alai muttered. "The training center has a huge window that none of the people going in can see. It's to stop commanders from engaging with each other just because of the privacy."

"Either way, no one is stupid enough to call her on it." Dink moved over to his own bunk and sat down with a heavy sigh.

I stared around at all of the remaining components of Dragon Army, realizing that we weren't the same anymore. In the beginning, we were all ready to be part of the war. We were ready to take on the Formics and keep them from coming back to earth. Alai was the peaceful hopeful one, Bernard was the goofy one that shrugged everything off, Dink was the voice of reason, Petra was the calm cool-headed one that kept us together and I was just along for the ride doing whatever was needed of me. Now, we had all changed. The brightness was gone from Alai's eyes, Bernard was quiet and subdued, Dink looked ready to give up and go back home, I was ready to give up and head back to earth just so I could get away from this place and Petra… I don't think she'll ever be the same again.

Ender had better hurry up and get back. We needed him more than he knew.

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**_How was it? Once again, not caring whether you think I'm making her too soft. My best friend, who believes Petra is suck a badass piece of soldier awesomeness (I believe it too) agrees that any girl in this sort of situation would want to scream and cry. It's too much at once, so review and tell me if you agree or disagree or just don't care and want me to keep writing or whatever else is on your mind. _**


	3. Chapter 3

**_I don't own Ender's Game._**

_**Alright, so I'm back with another chapter for the story. People really seem to enjoy it, so I'll keep trying to make it good. Thanks for the support guys! Enjoy.**_

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_**Petra's POV**_

I walked down the hallway with a string bag slung over my shoulder. I had stopped to grab some exercise clothes before heading to the training room. The energy in my throat had died down a bit, but now that I was so close to the room it reared itself back up again. I knew there was a cause behind it, the energy. I knew it could have been a number of things between Ender leaving, killing an entire planet, being lied to and manipulated, realizing that nothing would ever be the same and even finding myself in command of an army.

Coming to the room, I stared at the door for a moment, taking a deep breath through my nose, still afraid to open my mouth. I reached for the handle and was opening the door when a call made me stop.

"Arkanian!" I turned to see Colonel Graff marching toward me angrily. "What in God's name do you think you're doing? That room is designated only for commanders. You haven't chosen your army yet!"

Not trusting my mouth, I held up the Dragon Army commander badge Ender had given me before he left. Graff stopped dead in his tracks and stared at the badge in shock.

"So then, Ender's gone off somewhere?" he asked softly. Still not trusting my voice, I simply nodded, unable to stop a few tears from falling. Just looking at his face reminded me of the battle. "But why would he give you his army? He hasn't resigned."

I could feel the energy building in my throat and knew that if I didn't let it out through some other part of my body, a scream would ring through the halls. Turning, I made to continue into the exercise room, but Graff stopped me again. I turned to him with a glare this time and he searched my face. "What's wrong with you?" he demanded. "Something happen to cause you to lose your voice? Sparring accident?"

I raised an eyebrow at him, trying to convey with my eyes what I was feeling since my mouth couldn't do it without waking the entire ship. The colonel seemed to understand the look because he let go of me and took a few steps back. I nodded to him, my lips tightly shut. I held up the commander's pass and the computer identified my eye signature. Stepping into the room, I heard Graff attempting to follow and I locked the door behind me. The room was soundproof so there was no way I would interrupt anyone else from inside.

Walking over to the mirror, I dropped my bag and changed into my training outfit. Since I had technically graduated, I was allowed to grab a set of clothing. I chose a tank top and a pair of exercise shorts to train or work out in. Wrapping my hands in tape, I turned to the punching bag and took a deep breath, running at the large bag determinedly.

Punch after punch, I beat the bag as hard as I could, letting the energy from my throat spill out into each punch. I could feel the tears streaming down my face, but I just kept going. Logic, precision, accuracy. That's all I focused on. I didn't focus on the fact that Ender was gone, the fact that I had helped him kill billions of creatures, the fact that the only person I had ever loved had left his army, had left me, and was now out in space where I couldn't contact him.

I thought of none of this as the energy in my throat began building again, leaving my punches weak as I finally sank to my knees and screamed. My shoulders shook and sobs tore themselves from my throat as I simply screamed, holding my head as if to tear out my own hair. I couldn't control it, I couldn't control any of my emotions anymore. Everything was too vivid, flashing in front of my closed eyes. I couldn't stop the tears or the screaming, letting them gradually slow on their own.

I moved my hands from my head and put them flat on the floor, palms down. My head bowed down as I waited for the tears to slow as well. It was my fault. It was all my fault he was gone. If I hadn't been trained to fly that stupid gun, I wouldn't have been able to shoot it and the Formics would still be alive. None of us would be traumatized, we would most likely still be practicing. None of this would have ever happened. No one would have died.

Ender would still be here. Instead, thanks to me… he's gone.

_**Dink's POV**_

I watched through the window as Petra screamed and cried. I wanted to comfort her, to help her, but I knew she wouldn't let me. In all the years I've known her, she's never backed down from anyone but Bonzo—and that was only survival tactic—and she never let any of the other guys see her cry. Even back when we just found out we had destroyed the Formic planet, she didn't cry, or at least not in front of us.

She was kneeling on the floor now, her head down, palms flat, hair obscuring the majority of her face. I had half a mind to go to Graff and show him this image and help his soul if he responded with anything other than remorse. Petra was like a little sister to me. A little sister that could beat me in a fight, hands down, but a little sister nonetheless. To see her broken like this wasn't something I ever expected to see so soon. I expected it to be after her first kill, yeah, but not this soon. She's barely fifteen years old.

My fists curled tight, nails digging into my palms as I turned away from the image, unable to watch any longer for fear of doing something I might regret, either to myself (by hitting the wall) or to Graff. I strode back to the bunk room for Dragon Army and found the others getting ready for bed. Bean and Bernard glanced up at my entrance and stood from sitting on their beds.

"How is she?" Bernard asked, his eyes concerned.

"She's screaming and crying." I told him with a sigh. "She looks lost. I wanted to help, but…"

"She'd never let you?" Alai piped in.

"Pretty much." I shrugged. "Best we can do for her now is offer silent support and pray Ender gets back soon."

"I still wanna know where he went." Bernard grumbled, crossing his arms.

"Look, Petra said he left." Bean sighed. "Since we can't hear it from Ender, I trust her word. I don't like that she didn't tell us why or where he went, but she was Ender's closest friend up here, so I trust her word."

"But Bernard does have a point." Alai murmured, rubbing his chin speculatively. "Where did Ender go? And why did Petra omit the one important answer of why he left?"

"Maybe she's still dealing with it?" Bean suggested, leaning against the beam to one of the bunks. It was about then that I noticed that several of the soldiers were leaving, packing any of their special belongings and holding envelopes. Resignation letters. I thought, noting the tightness of their jaws. They want to get out. By the time Bean, Alai and Bernard began shouting at each other, there were only fifteen other soldiers remaining aside from us. I stood and attempted to discharge the situation.

"Hey, come on. Why does it matter why she kept the information from us. We only know two things for certain. She's upset and Ender's gone."

"But why did he give her the position of Commander and the rank of Admiral?" Bernard demanded heatedly. "Why not one of us? All Petra can do is shoot. Why not give it to one of us instead?" I growled angrily and grabbed him by the throat, slamming him into the wall beside his bunk. Bean and Alai stared at us in shock.

"Don't you ever let me hear you speak of her that way again." I snarled, my hand tightening on his neck. "She is more than that and right now, she is also our commanding officer. Whether you follow her or not is your own decision, but I will not have you creating dissent. She's already strung high enough as it is. Give her time to calm down before spouting off about her being an unworthy commander."

Suddenly, a shout of 'Attention!' flew through the air and we both stood at attention, facing the door. Bean cocked his head toward the entrance. "Officer on deck." Bernard and I turned to see Petra striding through the entrance to the dormitory. It was clear that she had just finished showering because her hair was still damp. We all waited for her to speak and she simply surveyed us, leaning against one of the frames of the entrance.

Standing straight, Petra walked among us and examined all of the remaining soldiers that she commanded. I knew she was counting in her head. She had a little under half the men she needed to have a proper army, but she showed no aggravation at this. I recognized this side of her instantly. Whenever Petra had just been emotional and wanted to try springing back again, she would always put on this act, the act of a badass. Coming back to the front of the dormitory, she turned to face us, her eyes cold and hard.

"You all need to shape up. Your form is lacking and I can't have a slacking army when we're so small. Straighten your backs, hold your chins high and keep your arms locked against your sides, elbows locked." Many of the other soldiers glanced down at themselves and Petra rolled her eyes. "Don't check for the mistakes, just make the changes ordered."

Several of the soldiers straightened their backs at her word and I smirked at Bernard, who had been one of the soldiers to do so. He glared back at me, but I paid little mind to that because Petra was speaking again. "Alright, I want three laps around the entire ship, no slacking, no slowing down until the halfway point. You will remain in a single file line while doing so. Am I clear, soldiers?"

"Yes sir!" We all replied.

"Move out. I will be running beside you. If I see anyone falling back, that is an extra lap. Let's go!"

I moved into the front of the line to take the lead while Bean, Bernard and Alai situated themselves at intervals to watch the other soldiers. I started the run at a steady pace and found myself right next to Petra. I gave her a small smile, but she simply stared straight ahead. I nodded, figuring she wouldn't acknowledge it. As I continued, Petra turned and ran along the line, watching the soldiers behind her.

Oh how great it was to be back in school.

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**_Okay, there's another chapter for you guys and I hope you enjoyed it. _**

**_**_Also, just wanted to let you guys know I'm now on Tumblr (gothalbinoangel-fiction), Twitter ((a)gothalbinoangel), a Facebook (Goth Albino Angel) and an Archive of Our Own account (GothAlbinoAngel). There are more details on my profile._**_**

**_Drop me a review, kay?_**


	4. Chapter 4

**_I'm back! Here to wow you guys with another chapter of this strange and really emotional story. Hopefully, it will allow you to find it in your hearts to forgive me for taking so long. I'm really sorry and I hope you enjoy the chapter, guys!_**

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**Petra's POV**

It had been a few days since we had returned. The Fleet had settled into a lull, allowing for soldiers to be let off. Since the Formics were the only real threat we knew of, there was no real purpose for the Fleet to still be intact except to train soldiers guard against any newer alien threats. This made it easier on me, considering I only had twenty people left in my own army.

People had been laid off from the other armies in order to compensate for my lack of one, much to the confusion of the other commanders. They attempted to get information on why my soldiers had disappeared, but I held firm in not giving them an explanation. It was none of their business what my soldiers did. It wasn't even any of _my_ business what my soldiers did unless they were still part of my army.

Once the armies were equal, battle commenced once more, the schedules being decided at Commander meetings. It turns out that, due to being the ones to defeat the Formics, everyone wanted to have a battle with Dragon Army. We were scheduled for three battles in one day at one point and, despite knowing it was unfair, I accepted.

We had gone through much worse when Graff was training Ender to be his puppet. Sometimes, we went days without sleep. If we could do it then, we could do it now. When I told the other Dragon Leaders, they all understood perfectly and the rest of the army went along with it as they had done weeks prior.

And so, we were set on a steady schedule. The number of battles soon waned when the other commanders realized that they were wearing down my soldiers and I finally told them to lay off at one of the commander meetings. Everything became a lull for me as my mind spiraled around the one question haunting my nightmares: when will Ender return?

One afternoon, as I was observing the soldiers after breakfast, Bean and Alai walked over to me, saluting respectfully. I nodded to them calmly and asked, "What do you two need?"

They glanced at each other, obviously not certain how to proceed from there. I waited patiently, knowing that they would figure out a way to tell me when they were prepared.

As always, it was Bean who took the first initiative. He turned to me and took a deep breath, his expression serious. I stood straight, knowing that I couldn't take this topic lightly.

"Look, Petra," Bean murmured. "I want to head back to earth. And so does Alai. We can't take this anymore. Everywhere we go, everyone congratulates us as if we did some great thing instead of thinking it was a game. I want to go back to where the only thing people knew I did was live."

"And I cannot stay where people think I am a hero when I am a villain." Alai added.

I glanced between them and nodded. "Alright then. So you two want to go back? Does anyone else?"

"Well, the people who weren't directly involved in destroying the planet have all already been deployed out." Dink murmured. "They were afraid they would be the next ones to be manipulated the same way Ender was and got outta here as fast as they could. The only ones that would be left would be me, you and Bernard."

I nodded. "Then go ahead. I bid peace to both of you."

"Hey, we're not going forever." Bean told me, putting a hand on my shoulder. "If you need us, just call us back, alright?"

"You got it." I told him, putting my hand on his.

Alai put his hand on my shoulder as well and whispered a soft prayer to me. He and Bean took up their bags and waved to Bernard, Dink and I before walking briskly from the bunkroom. They had every right to be going quickly, once the colonel found out about their departure, there would be hell to pay, but I knew they could handle themselves.

I turned back to my remaining members. Bernard and Dink stood behind me, watching me expectantly. When I simply stared back at them in confusion, they decided to voice their thoughts.

"Aren't you going to go tell Graff they're leaving?" Bernard asked.

"Not yet." I told him. "If I told him now, they will be brought back easily. No, I want to give them time to grab a head start." They both nodded in understanding and I turned to them. "What now?" I asked softly.

"You're… asking us?" Bernard raised a shocked eyebrow.

"I no longer have an army which means I am no longer a commander. I am now fully able to ask you two where we go from here." The pair of them glanced at each other before thinking over the situation.

"When you were awarded at the ceremony," Dink began slowly. "They said you could gain command of any army you chose, right?"

I nodded. "I was given the choice of commanding any army, yes."

Bernard piped in at that moment. "Ender gave you his rank, right?" I nodded expectantly. "Does that mean you're admiral of the Fleet as well?"

I thought about that for a moment. All Ender had done was give me the Dragon Army badge. However, he had stated that he was giving me his rank. In terms of interpretation, that would mean that he was giving me all of his ranks.

I turned back to Bernard with a slow nod. "I suppose it does. What do the two of you have in mind?"

Dink cleared his throat and said, "Well, since Dragon Army is completely the three of us and some stragglers now, I thought we could return to Salamander Army."

"I wouldn't mind joining the two of you there, either." Bernard added. "After working with you for so long, working with people who hadn't gone through the same training wouldn't feel the same."

I mulled over this information. Salamander Army was a ragtag group at this point. Once Bonzo had been hospitalized due to his attempted attack on Ender, the army had practically gone to ruin as the Fleet failed to give them a new commander since Colonel Graff was so focused on making Ender the next person to go to Command School.

If the three of us were to take over Salamander, with me as the apparent army leader, then we could turn it into the formidable opponent it once was under Bonzo's reign. I glanced to my two waiting comrades.

"Alright." I told them simply. "Get your things together. I'm going to go change our armies and then I need to have a talk with Colonel Graff."

"Yes, Commander." Dink agreed, he and Bernard saluting me before turning to their bunks and grabbing up their belongings.

I turned on my heel and began making my way through the compound. Glancing down at the medal that had yet to leave my neck, I reached up and grasped it, squeezing gently. _Ender… _I thought with a soft sigh. _I'll keep Dragon Army safe until you return. I promise._

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**_**_**_And there you have it. Once again, I'd like to say I'm sorry it took so long and I'm working out a schedule as we speak, but just know, I'm in college and I have work to do so don't expect updates as often as you would want them to be... and don't hold me to any of my updates cause things happen._**_**_**

**_**_Aside from that, just wanted to let you guys know I'm now on Tumblr (gothalbinoangel-fanfiction), Twitter ((a)gothalbinoange1), a Facebook (Goth Albino Angel) and an Archive of Our Own account (GothAlbinoAngel). There are more details on my profile._**_**


	5. Chapter 5

**_And I'm back with another update for you all! I know you've missed me and I've missed all of you alligators too. How about we celebrate with a wonderful chapter for this? Let's see how Petra's been, yes? Enjoy, my lovely readers!_**

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I made my way to Colonel Graff's office. As I walked, I went over the possible reactions he could have to the news. After all, I had waited until I knew Alai and Bean had a head start before coming to him and that alone would incur his wrath. It didn't matter to me if he was angry at my decision, though. Ender had given me his rank and, even though he had only given me the badge to Dragon Army, I knew that I could use his words as an advantage against anything the colonel would attempt.

Finally arriving at the door to Colonel Graff's office, I paused to stare at it. Behind this door sat the man that had caused all of this pain. He had recruited us, abused us, changed our way of thinking and made us believe that everything not from earth was an enemy. That man had pitted us against not only the alien species that had attacked us several years ago, but also against each other, competing to see which one of us would get the grand prize. Except there was no prize, no glory. The only thing that was awarded to anyone that participated in that battle was a strong sense of guilt, grief and a heavy medal reminding us all of what we had done, the monsters we had become.

I reached up to touch the medal around my neck, reminding me of Ender. Ender wouldn't stand here staring at the door and solidifying his resolve. He would have barged in and demanded to have his way. He would have used tactic to get what he wanted. But Ender wasn't here and I'm not Ender. I don't know how to use tactic as well as he did, I like analyzing my chances, my enemies, any strategies that could be useful. Ender may have trained me, but I trained him first. It was that way of thinking—the way I thought before meeting Ender—that I fell back on now in order to get done what needed to be accomplished. The longer I put it off, the more time would be wasted.

Taking a deep breath, I raised my hand and knocked three times at the door, waiting for permission to enter the office. After the sounds of shuffling and a soft sigh, a voice inside called, "Permission to enter!"

Opening the door, I took one look at the face of the man that had done this to me and shuddered, lowering my gaze as I felt tears prick my eyes. If I faced him, I knew I would cry. I didn't want to cry or seem weak, but I was powerless to stop those tears. Just the sight of him brought back the horrors I had faced, the memory of what I had lost and the guilt that already weighed heavily on my shoulders. Stepping forward, I walked up to stand in front of the colonel's desk, avoiding looking directly at him.

Graff glanced up as I waited for him to speak. When he saw me, a small smile crossed his lips and he nodded. "Hello, Cadet." He greeted me. "You're looking better than the last time I saw you. I take it all of the trouble has been cleared up?"

"Yes sir." I responded.

"Then what brings you to my office, Commander? Someone in the army giving you trouble?"

"There would be if I had an army left, sir."

The colonel cocked his head in confusion and asked, "What do you mean by that, cadet? Aren't you the commander of Dragon Army?"

I simply shook my head. "Sir, I wish to put Dragon Army on hiatus."

Graff stared at me in shock, his eyes disbelieving. "You want to what?"

"The majority of my soldiers have resigned, sir." I explained, still avoiding looking directly at him. "Even Bean and Alai wish to return to earth and I cannot run a suitable army with only three people. I wish to put Dragon Army on hiatus until its true commander returns." I knew he would probably be angry with me, but I didn't care. I wasn't going to take the right to leave away from Alai or Bean and it was true that I could not have a suitable army with only three people.

"What do you, Bernard and Dink expect to do until then?" Graff growled, standing and glaring at me.

I had been avoiding looking directly at him for a reason. That face, those eyes, the battle. A few tears leaked down my cheeks as I replied, "I am returning to Salamander Army with Dink. Bernard wishes to join us."

"Soldier, you are not going to discontinue this army-!"

"I am not discontinuing it, Sir!" I shouted, keeping in stance, but still glaring at him. "That is not of my jurisdiction to do! I am simply putting it on hold until the commander returns. Because I am surrogate commander until Ender returns, I have the right to put it on hold whether you wish for me to continue it or not. I will not take away the right to leave from two more people." My voice got quiet as I added, "That's your job."

"Where are Bean and Alai then?" Graff huffed, crossing his arms.

"They have already left for earth, Sir." I replied, not an ounce of smugness in my voice. "They left a few hours ago and are most likely landing right about now."

"What? Why didn't you come to me when they were leaving? Or deciding this?"

"Because, Sir. Even though it is your job to take away their right to leave, it is not my job to tell you who is and isn't leaving. They are to tell you themselves and if they wish not to, that is of their own will." I turned on my heel, unable to take looking at him any longer, and began heading for the door.

"Where do you think you're going, cadet?" Graff growled behind me.

"I am moving my things to Salamander Army, Sir. I have already been reassigned there with Dink and Bernard. They will be waiting for me."

"What do you mean, already been reassigned? I didn't give the order-."

"You didn't need to. The admiral himself gave me control of his rank and therefore I am above you. I have made the necessary changes and I have an ally keeping track on Bonzo's condition. He is going to warn me the second Bonzo wakes up so that I can make the necessary arrangements and plans with Dink and Bernard." I continued for the door and called, "Good day, Sir."

**_Graff's POV_**

I watched Arkanian walk from my office and stared at the door in utter shock. I've never heard a cadet speak to me that way. Usually, before a cadet gets up here, they're all trained how to act toward their commanding officer and usually any kids that have trouble with authority tend to get removed from the program. While observing Arkanian, I knew she was relatively stable when it came to authority. She's somewhat masculine in the way she acts, seeming to see herself as one of the boys rather than as a girl. But the way she was acting just then, it was reminiscent of Ender's behavior towards Bonzo.

What in god's name do these kids think they're pulling here? I gave the rank of admiral to Ender. Ender left, but he gave his commander's badge to Petra and now she's saying that she's the admiral just because he passed on one badge? I can't believe this. And what was up with those tears of hers? As soon as she caught sight of me, she started crying. This is why girls don't belong in war. They're all too emotionally unstable. One kill and suddenly it's the end of the world.

Checking over the cameras from Ender's time here, I stopped the tapes with a raised eyebrow, noticing something. Moving through all of the footage since Ender met Arkanian, she had spent quite a bit of time with him. Between practicing in the battle room to sparring in the training room, the pair spent a lot of time together. Even when Ender was transferred to a different army, they spent a lot of their time during battles shooting each other's men, almost making a game out of it.

I paused on the very first time they had finished training in the battle room together. The smile on both their faces spoke volumes. If I didn't know any better, I'd think Arkanian had fallen in love with Ender. That would explain why she was so subdued after he left and why she was so adamant about defying me now. It didn't explain the tears, of course, but the loss must be hitting her the hardest.

Either way, she'll grow out of it. If she doesn't grow out of it, I'll have to send her back home. And considering her shooting and training ability, that would be a very bad thing.

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**_Ah, Petra. Our poor, traumatized sharpshooter has her work cut out for her now that Graff assumes (correctly) what happened between her and Ender. Tell me how you liked it in a review and I'll try harder to get the next chapter up soon. _**


	6. Chapter 6

**_And I'm back with another update for you all! I know I said I would bring it in February, but things became a little hectic. Things are evenmore busy in March, so I wanted to get this up as soon as possible. It's long overdue, thank you for waiting and I hope you all enjoy it._**

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**_Petra's POV_**

I strode into the Salamander Army bunkroom to Dink's call of 'Attention!' All of the soldiers hurried to form their lines and I walked among them calmly, checking their conditions to see what all I had to do in order to whip them into shape for the next battle. Even though battles were just to keep senses sharp and use as creative outlets, I was going to take them seriously from here on out to make sure this army was on par with the others. As it stood, I had my work cut out for me. A lot of the soldiers were slouching, their feet weren't together, their shoulders sagged… I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at the complete lack of etiquette they had. It must have been an army of launchies.

Coming back to the front of the room, I noticed that I was still the only female in the army and wondered if there was a curse on Salamander that kept any other girl from entering. Shrugging it off as trivial, I stood to face them and repeated my previous orders to Dragon Army about form. Immediately, they began straightening their backs, many of them lifting their chins and putting their feet together, looking ahead at the soldier opposite them. Maybe they weren't lost causes after all. Many of them were scrawny, still early in their teens. I felt my heart tug at remembering that Ender had arrived in the army the same way. Setting my jaw, I resolved to make these soldiers turn out like him, a scrawny kid in the beginning and a strong soldier in the end.

"Alright, I'm having a meeting with the other commanders tomorrow morning." I called, pacing in front of the doorway, my hands clasped behind my back. It was against training code to pace while talking to your underlings, but I didn't care for code. Bean had been the one to teach me that pacing made the soldiers nervous because they couldn't tell if their superior was watching them or not. I needed to keep these soldiers on their toes that way. "We will be discussing the new battle schedule for the coming week. I expect all of you to be in enough shape to battle with Rat Army by Wednesday. Sunday and Monday, we will go through workouts. Tuesday, we'll run formations. We will run the formations until you see them in your sleep. Am I clear?"

"Yes sir!" they responded.

"Give me three laps around the perimeter of the ship. No slowing down, no stopping. If I see anyone straggling, that's an extra lap for everyone. Move out!" I glanced over to see Dink and Bernard already forming the beginning and end of the line. I knew they would be able to keep these launchies in order when I wasn't around, so I didn't have any worries. As Dink began leading them out, I waited until the majority was out of the bunkroom before I joined them, running at a slightly slower pace beside them so I could watch for stragglers. I knew Bernard would inform me of any, but I just wanted to make sure. It was my job.

As we made our way around the ship, I sighed, letting my thoughts run rampant. I often thought of how Ender was going to find a new home for the Formics. Considering they laid eggs instead of having children like humans, they had a higher reproduction rate. It was really important that he find them a large planet with fertile soil for them to build their underground houses in. It would be nice for it to have a good enough atmosphere for them not to burn up when above ground too long, but I knew Ender would take as best as he could. Besides, thanks to their ant-like nature, the new Formics were likely to spend a lot of time underground anyway. The only question was whether or not there actually _was_ a planet like that out there for Ender to find. He could be out there for the rest of his life looking for something that doesn't exist.

And even if he did find the planet, what if it was inhabited by someone else that proved hostile? He could be walking into any number of dangerous situations and I didn't see him take a weapon with him. Biting my lip against the influx of negative thoughts ready to batter my mind, I noticed that we were returning to Salamander bunkroom and I hurried up to Dink, whispering, "What number is this?"

"No worries, Commander." He said quietly. "This is only the second. We're starting the third now."

"Thank you." I could always count on Dink to have my back. Ever since we met, he had always been there for me, sparring with me and teaching me everything he knew about fighting. When he wasn't teaching me, I was teaching him and we were always innovating on each other's moves to make ourselves better. He was like a brother to me and I knew I wouldn't have made it as far as I have without his help. Considering what the Fleet had done to us, that was a bittersweet thought now. Jogging in place as the launchies passed me, I waited until Bernard had passed before running beside him.

"How are they?" I asked softly.

"No one's fallen behind me yet, Commander." He murmured lowly. "I've seen a few stumble a few times, but they aren't completely untrained."

"Good." I nodded and sped up until I was near the middle, once more watching for anyone who broke formation, broke the line. I was not going to let the other armies see us as weak. I knew what weak armies endured in this Fleet and I wasn't going to let that happen to my soldiers. After Bonzo, I would not subject anyone else to that kind of violence and bullying. That was for school children, not soldiers and rocket scientists. We were better than that and I would prove it. This army had been my home. I was going to make it feel like home again. I had to.

**Bernard's POV**

Sunday and Monday passed fairly well. We had these launchies out late making sure they were understanding the workout routine. A few of them woke up this morning complaining about aches and pains, but that was to be expected. And Dink and I told them so. Our workouts are more rigorous because we want to be as good as we can get and when we figure out what that is, we want to surpass it. I actually hadn't understood the meaning back when I was first training under Ender, but after a while, I noticed that I was pushing myself harder than I ever had before and soon, I was also getting what mattered: _results._

Now, we were explaining the formation techniques to the soldiers and, as expected they were looking at us funny. I remember doing that often while in Dragon Army. It was hard to understand the formation concept unless you were already in the Battle Room, but these squirts needed to understand the general concept of what we wanted them to do. Just setting them loose in the Battle Room would be cause for upheaval, I knew. It was the same as when I was a launchie… back when I had also first met Ender, actually. How fast things change.

Petra and Dink finished giving their plans and Petra began splitting the soldiers into groups. Usually, there would be the commander and five faction leaders, but no one aside from Dink and I were prepared enough to lead, so it Petra, Dink and I were the faction leaders with Petra also acting as commander. Because of this, our sections were bigger than usual army sections, but we knew this. We had planned our battle strategy out specifically because of the bigger portions. I waited patiently for the Commander to finish choosing sections before standing in front of my own.

This was the part of training I always loved most, the Battle Room. Having the gravity sucked out from under me made me feel weightless, as if I had never been part of Dragon Army to begin with. My guilt was cut away, my pain, my anger, all of it was just… gone along with gravity. While in the Battle Room, I was free to be younger and less inhibited. If I wanted to shoot, I would shoot and it would be fine because nothing could touch me when I was floating in air. Turning to the room, I waited for Petra's signal, watching Dink lead his portion in and letting them get adjusted before leading mine in as well.

I took a deep breath and grinned at the weightless feeling that accompanied letting it out, floating toward where my faction would be. Shouting out instructions, I made sure to remind them that I wouldn't be able to do that in the middle of an actual battle. They shouted their affirmatives and we watched Petra lead her faction in, some of them moving to their places while others looked around in mild confusion. I heard Petra shout her orders calmly, still hiding behind the face of the commander. She hadn't let it slip since our first training back with Dragon Army and I was actually beginning to worry about her a bit.

I knew she was having a hard time coming to terms with everything. Between Ender abandoning us to do who knew what and the duty of being a commander because neither Dink nor I were cut out for that responsibility, it must have been a lot for her to handle. I know Dink said that she had cried and gotten some of it out, but I see her sometimes. The times I'm just lounging around and my eyes pass over her face, spotting a flash of sadness before she's back under the mask of the commander. I can't say I blame her for wanting to hide her pain. This stupid Fleet messed us all up.

My eyes narrowed at that. I thought about my time here as we all began running exercises. I had admired this place once upon a time. I had looked up to the sky, praying with all my might that I would be chosen to come up, that I would have a chance to be a hero like in the stories my grandfather would tell me. I had always thought that the people running the Fleet were also heroes, doing what they were to protect Earth and ensure the safety of everyone and that they would train me to be like them.

I resisted the urge to spit at the thought.

I didn't want to be like them, not anymore. The Formics had waited for us. They had waited for us to attack them. They were defending themselves, but these people had convinced us that they were a threat. These people… they were cowards. They were a bunch of senile cowards hiding behind children to do their jobs for them. I never wanted to be like them.

As we got into the full swing of practice, I began feeling that weightlessness again, a small smile coming to my face as I motioned to my faction. We all practiced the maneuvers, Petra and Dink moving their own factions in accordance with my own. We had picked up a few things from watching the footage of the Formics. If we looked like we were disorganized, the enemy would lower their guard. It would make winning and gaining rank easier. As time wore on, the troops began getting the hang of what we were supposed to be doing and I had to hand it to them for getting it after the first day.

At last, Petra called for us all to head back through the portal. Dink and I counted heads while Petra watched them come through. Once everyone was on the deck, Petra turned to them. Her cold brown eyes surveyed us for a few moments before rolling in slight annoyance. Normally, I would be upset, but I had come to find that it was a sign to show she was trying not to lose face, but wanted to express praise.

"That was pretty decent." She called, clasping her hands behind her back. "Perhaps you all aren't terribly hopeless after all. Jog toward the showers and get cleaned up soldiers. You did well today. We battle tomorrow. Dismissed."

Immediately, everyone took off for the showers, pleased with the amount of praise they had received from their commander and eager to get cleaned up. I took one last glance at the Battle Room before I followed the troops out. I always longed for that weightless feeling nowadays. The feeling that nothing could touch me, I was light as air. It was the only thing that kept me sane after what these people did to me. It was my only peace of mind and I welcomed it.

I just wished Petra could find that weightless feeling again too. But she couldn't. Her weight would always be heavier than mine.

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**_There you are. I actually read back through the entire fic to make sure I could still catch the sense of despair within all of the main characters as well as their attempts to be strong for the soldiers around them. Drop me a review and tell me what you think, yeah?_**


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